


Tallywacker

by Slybrarian



Series: Banned Together 2020 [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Euphemisms, Gen, Translation, Universal Translator Mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slybrarian/pseuds/Slybrarian
Summary: Jim just wants to get this meeting over with so they can get to shore leave. Bones just wants to deliver his warnings about STDs. The computer isn't making it easy.
Series: Banned Together 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760245
Comments: 15
Kudos: 55
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	Tallywacker

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the "Includes Penis" box on my [Banned Together Bingo card](https://slybrarian.dreamwidth.org/76058.html).

It was the end of a long meeting, at the end of a long day, at the end of a very long mission, and frankly Jim just wanted Spock to shut the hell up so they could all go off-shift and get some food and sleep. From the expressions, everyone else felt the same way. Even Chekov was starting to droop. When the stream of science babble finally stopped, it took Jim a few seconds to realize it was his turn to speak.

"No. No, thank you, Commander, I don't have any questions," he quickly said. "Anyone else? Good. In that case, I think... what is it, Bones?"

Bones had raised his hand and looked way too pleased with himself for the circumstances. "I have some information to pass along about shore leave."

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, took a breath, then opened them again. "Yes. Shore leave. The thing we will be doing in -"

"Twenty-three hours, fourteen minutes," Sulu supplied. 

"- give or take a little for customs. What about it?"

"I'll be sending this along in a shipwide message, but I wanted to make sure the department heads were all fully aware," Bones said, with a grin that usually came out when he was shooting Jim full of allergy meds or lecturing him about latest bruises and broken bones, as if he'd decided to get into a fight with a giant lizard. "In case your staff have questions."

"Doctor, could you please just get to the point?"

Bones sighed, as if Jim was ruining his day. "There's this sexually transmitted infection going around Argos, sort of slime mold. When it gets onto certain softer, dryer external genitalia - the typical human tallywacker, for example - it starts leeching nutrients and growing rapidly. Basically, anyone getting some R&R should remember that their contraceptive implants don't do anything about infection and they need to use protection if they don't want their dongs to blow up like a balloon."

Normally Jim would be affronted by the fact that Bones was looking right at him, but he was too confused. Bones' choice of wording tended to swing from scientific to extremely vulgar; 'tallywacker' made Jim want to check and see if this was another goddamn robot duplicate. If Jim had to turn the ship around, never mind sipping jippers on a beach, Mudd would be drinking his meals through a straw.

"While this information certainly appears to be important for the health and safety of the crew," Spock said, coming to Jim's rescue, "it is unclear to me why you would use such terminology for genitalia in a professional setting."

Bones' brows furrowed. "I know you Vulcans love to talk around anything involving sex, Spock, but dingaling still is the correct medical term."

"Are you okay?" Jim asked.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You just said dingaling instead of schlong," Uhura told him. 

"What?"

"Joystick?" Sulu said.

"Villy?" Checkov hesitantly said. "What if I say vang in Russian?"

"Pecker, Scotty replied. At least he seemed to be having fun. "Package. Tadger. Docking probe. Pocket rocket."

"Curious," Spock said. "It appears none of us can say turgid meatstick."

Uhuru made a small, strangled noise, took a moment to compose herself, and then asked, "Does it happen to woohoo?"

"Vajayjay," Sulu confirmed.

Jim could feel a migraine coming on. "Can someone please explain what the hell is going on?"

"It has to be the universal translator," Uhura said. "It's editing what other people are hearing."

"It does seem a probable answer," Spock said. "I recall Captain Pike and my sister once had a similar problem."

"We did just install some software updates for the main computer this afternoon," Scotty said hesitantly. "I think the patch notes said something about the translator? Improvements to the diplomatic protocols?"

"Are you telling me that I can't flipping say dong," Bone spat, "because some cocksucker back at Starfleet Command is censoring what I say to make me more polite?"

"Did you do that on purpose," Jim asked, "or did it let you say that?"

"Does it fudging matter? We need to fix this before we get to Argos, or this ship is going to be the banging laughing stock of the entire Federation."

"I agree. Uhura, you're the translator guru, take point on this. Draft anyone," Jim pointedly looked at his so-called technical wizards, "you need for help."

"Aye, sir." 

Suddenly, a thought caught up with Jim's brain and he turned to Spock. "Wait, you have a _sister_?"


End file.
